Great day!
I hope this post finds you well.
If not, stop what you are doing and smile! You may feel strange, but try it!
First and foremost, I want to apologize for the extended hiatus. My life has been a whirlwind the past couple of months! To include; a birth in the family, as well as a death. A big move, a new job and a major opening of my heart!
More on that in a future post!
I am working to make more time for writing and sharing here.
In addition to all of that, I think because of the depth, reflection and what this poem was for me, I have had a harder time coming back to try and dissect it. I've stopped and started more times than not.
For so long, just reading the words brought me right back to what I thought I had overcome.
Before starting this Substack and other platforms I share on, I never really considered sharing any of my writing. I rarely edit my poetry after the fact. When I write, it is exactly what I am feeling in that moment.
The only corrections I make are spelling errors from writing or typing too fast and through tears. 🎻
I recently thought of what would happen or how I would feel if those who were unknowingly my muse in a time of release were to read any of my work. Would or could they know it was about them?
Let’s hope so! I’ve realized fearing this would be silly. These are my feelings and no one can take that away or diminish them because of their opinion.
That is so empowering - thinking of it that way. Having this outlet is such a blessing to me and is also incredibly healing. If more people had healthy ways of releasing what they hold onto, amazing things could happen.
This is the second to last post in this mini-series!!
Finally, right?!
This is a longer poem with, I feel, a pretty self explanatory flow. One of my deeper and more reflective poems, I think I probably wrote this one literally while in tears! lol Like full on. But, sometimes that is what is needed to get some of the ugly out! haha
▪️ So let's dissect this poem ▪️
Intended Release is ultimately about attempting to release the trauma and damage of being in a relationship laced with domestic violence, pain, mental and physical abuse.
As with many of the poems I've written, this one starts in a reflective state. Reflecting on who I’ve been, what I have become and who I want to be. It seems so many external forces have had a hand in who and what I felt like I had become to include who I was before all of this.
When I step back and look at myself, not on a physical level per se, more like looking at the layers of something, I see myself behind many doors. Not segregated by periods of time; perceiving from this perspective is more like looking at the stages of my personal evolution.
The second stanza goes into what I see when I look deep enough. I've seen a me buried beneath the rubble of the occurrences in my life. A me that is in a constant state of fight or flight trying to make sense of my life and the people in it.
The next stanza is a sort of call to my 'self' to fight past all the hurt, pain, and distortion placed upon me, to look at it with a reflective lens: 'Was I meant for this?'
I feel like so many of the situations we find ourselves in are lessons, and ultimately there to teach us. Despite some lessons being particularly difficult, if I had not experienced what I did, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
The following stanza is more about the relationship that I was in. I never realized how much damage people can do to each other until I had the chance to step away from myself and look back at how broken I had become in and from this relationship.
I never had a problem speaking my mind. When I was younger, I said what I thought and let people sort it out for themselves. This relationship taught me that no matter what I say, or how I say it some can and will always find a reason to take offense. With this relationship, I realized that no matter how I tried to shape and form my words it would not have changed the outcome or experience. People will be who they are. People listen and understand from their level of perspective. And ultimately, this person was also facing their own lessons.
With this relationship, I feel like I went through so many transformations.
I got into this relationship at the height of my Saturn return. And despite every possible red flag you could think of, for some reason I still tried to forego this connection. External pressures seemingly led me right into the arms of the devil.
I honestly felt like I lived in darkness or under a perpetual cloud the entire relationship and for quite some time afterwards. Something was always off. It's like I knew what the lessons would be and how this person was to teach me, but something in me thought it could be different. Thinking I could help this person heal their issues so they would learn to love again.
The next stanza is the dichotomy I face within myself trying to reflect on and heal from my past, along with sharing these things with others. It's especially tough to see others going down similar paths or finding themselves in similar situations. In my lines of work, I can either help others, not giving them anything to relate to. Which then may seem as if I am only blowing smoke with an opinion. Or, I can have an open dialogue about my life, what I have experienced and the ways I was able to move forward, in the hopes that others feel comfortable releasing some of the baggage and pain they hold onto.
I've faced an internal struggle with that because trying to open up to others, in my experience, usually resulted in what I shared in confidence and my struggles being thrown back in my face or exploited and having my experiences used against me. At the same time, I was harbouring the constant feeling that I'd never meet a person I would potentially get comfortable enough with to share myself in those ways, and the pain that mindset was causing me.
I now understand and accept my life, and what I have been through. No one can throw my 'life' back into my face, or exploit what I have experienced because I own them. Yes, this happened, and? I also understand how people who feel the need to bring others down are ultimately unhappy in themselves.
The following stanza is me looking at the patterns and paths my life has taken. Once I started to study and learn Astrology more, I began to understand myself better and the journey I am on. Everything is a learning experience, and though we all face setbacks and frustrations it is so important to try and look at situations from the lens of 'what is this teaching me'.
Continuing the life reflection, I noticed or felt like I was constantly going in circles, facing the same situations time and time again. At the same time never truly feeling like myself because I diluted who I was, in a way to feel some form of external acceptance. Realizing the turmoil I was in, and continuing to perpetuate kept me in that fight or flight mode.
Eventually coming to the realization that I had to shed all of that. Heal it, reflect and make use of my pain in a way that felt okay to me.
'freedom comes with the burn to who I pretended to be - comes with the return of who I was intended to be.'
The next stanza talks about the way I have viewed my life play out before this relationship as well as after. So many of the situations I've found myself in have made me feel like my life was a gameshow or some pre-scripted escape room that I could never find my way out of. Test after test, lesson after lesson, for so long I felt this was the way my life would carry on until I died.
The last three stanzas depict me seemingly knowing what is coming next without the ability to change it. Like a head-on crash, you see coming from miles away and there is no way to avoid it. Knowing this simply couldn't be all this life had to offer me, I question what it would take to release myself from these chains and these cycles.
This relationship turned my entire life upside down and it took me a long time to rebuild not only my life but myself. Finding outlets and healthy ways to release all of this pain, anger, frustration, rage and mental turmoil seemed to take equally as long. I felt I was constantly facing an uphill battle with no end in sight. Coming to the understanding that I was my own worst enemy that knowingly and unknowingly invited these 'lessons' into my life, I realized the masks of who I became had to fall.
Relatable Quotes:
Wanton desires creep in late at night
freeing my soul - restoring my might.
The way of love is not a subtle arguement.
The door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom. How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling, they're given wings.
~Rumi~
Take it all away.
Shed my existence
of who I was who I am
and who I'll ever be.
Take away my fears.
Break down these walls
peer into the cracks
and see the One of Me.
Found gagged and chained.
Entire existence restrained
by the trance placed around my brain.
Driving me insane.
Take away my inhibitions.
Rooted out causing doubts
of who I was meant to become.
Fading away and awaiting the day
That what keeps me here
loosens its grip.
Starting to slip - shattered worlds
and busted lips.
Shells of my sorrows
dug well into my hips.
Was I meant for this?
Feed me pain break me down
till I can no longer make a sound.
Every will to fight taken
as the morning Sun steals
the night.
Wandered lost in the darkness
Seven signs to see the light.
Still don't know yet
If I'm alright.
Nearly lost my sight.
Rip off the bandaid
and show you my pain
but what's to gain?
Wounds don't heal
when you dig into them.
And I'm long past tired of going out on a whim
when the outlook still looks grim.
And you all think my problems revolve around him?
Morality - the totality - of riddles
tied to my reality.
Meant to guide my way
but if I had my day
they'd understand what I'm
meaning to say.
Instead tumultuous turbulence
is the tune my life plays.
Pass the tests - complete the phase.
Hang me out to dry.
This never ending stream of tears
just keeps going.
No matter to the years
that old tuner box keeps showing
the many times I had to pick up
what's left of me and move on.
Remaining strong - left then right
to write these wrongs.
And in my heart I know
Free birds
sing a different song.
Caging my voice
where do I even belong?
Make a mess of my life
humiliation and strife.
Can't seem to scratch this itch - with the sharpest knife.
What will it take
to just be okay?
No extravagance necessary
I just want peace. And ease.
Maybe there
I'll feel safe enough to release.
But when I'm fighting to live.
Breathe in these holes that I dig.
When no one can save me but me.
When will I learn - freedom
comes with the burn
to who I pretended to be
comes with the return
of who I was intended to be.
~Ruby L.S.~
©️2023I.S.
Thank you for taking the time to connect with my work.
⁂In Love
🪶Introverted Sage
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