Fated Feeling
Even chance meetings are the result of karma... Things in life are fated by our previous lives. That even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence. ~Haruki Murakami~
Great day!
I hope this post finds you well.
If not, stop what you are doing and smile! You may feel strange, but try it!
This is the second post for the impromptu mini-series that started with Nexus.
I’m a bit behind my self-imposed schedule, but as things begin falling into place, I hope to resume posting more regularly!
This one goes a bit deeper into life experiences, situations and people we happen upon.
I've struggled with writing my story. Not because I don't know it. I know it all too well. But the thought of sharing it for another to judge has most times stopped me dead in my tracks. The lessons this life has afforded me, have completely changed my perspectives on so much. And it's meant to be that way, isn't it? As I look back at 'the old me', the person I was, the person I've been and the person I had to become - I more deeply understand how Life changes us. People change us. Circumstance changes us. Maybe not fully who we are at a Soul level, but in this sojourn. I think, despite the hardships any of us may face - we all have lessons to learn, areas where growth won't happen unless something happens to us or around us to encourage movement and growth and adaption. All in the effort to make us better not bitter. To make us see more clearly what our purpose here can be.
I've written on it before and I'll say it again; I know we are not here to slave away for companies who could care less about us as people, as humans, as individuals. And finding my way, for me, has been a seemingly daunting process. I'm nowhere near where I envisioned myself being but I Am safe, I Am healthy and I Am more at peace with who I Am than I have been my entire life.
I could sit and point fingers at those around me, those who've raised me and those who've wronged me but in the end, it changes nothing. Most are operating from their own personal levels of understanding. Knowing and accepting this makes the healing and growth process easier to cope with.
It certainly does not excuse bad behaviour nor does it foster accolades for the poor choices people make, but it does cultivate a deeper understanding of the lessons we all came here to learn.
Many times we hear the phrase; 'hurt people, hurt people'. While this can be true many times, it's all down to choice, isn't it? There are those who've been severely abused in childhood or in life that turn out to be great people, going on to help and heal others who have experienced some of the same things they have, or worse. There are also those who after suffering relentless abuse turn around and perpetuate that same abuse to others. Many times it can be chalked up to, not knowing any better or even being all a person knows. Yet, even the abusers have their own lessons to learn. Their own growth and hardships, setbacks and the like.
For me, the hardest part has been forgiveness.
Not for others, but for myself. I beat myself up constantly with, 'I knew better', 'I saw the warning signs, the red flags, 'how could I let someone outside of me or circumstance completely destroy who I was, my confidence and livelihood'.
It is such a vicious and visceral process. I'd been so angry with myself for letting these things happen to me. Blaming myself and refusing to ask for help because it was 'my fault' I ended up where I did. Most times I would be too embarrassed to tell anyone. And if I'm honest, most of the people in my life still have no idea some of the things I have dealt with, experienced and lived through.
Most people who knew me before would swear I was a certain way, and have a hard time connecting with me now because much of that person is gone. Be it hidden behind the walls I've created around myself or the fact that I felt like everything I was had been completely and purposefully stamped out.
Many times, I've felt like a shell of a person. Just going through the motions and doing what was necessary to maintain my life while not addressing the actual underlying issues of what was truly going on within.
Not to mention, I'm such a private person, that just to have to open up to someone and explain pieces of me is like peeling back layers of my skin... and I'd rather not!
What I have learned from my experiences and life lessons, apart from the understanding of choice, and behaviour, is to trust myself.
Which, to many and even me in the past was such an oxymoronic thing to even think of.
But it really is so important. If we 'think' we know things or understand them, our bodies and even the world around us will give so many subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle hints and clues as to the right choices for us in our lives. It is up to us to heed these messages and learn to understand what they mean for us individually. Discernment and getting in tune with our bodies and the world around us is imperative.
▪️ Fated Feeling ▪️
Have you ever known something was a bad idea and you just said fuck it, I can figure this out and go with it… In the hopes that things would work out or you could spin a bad situation into a good one if need be. Despite even those around you telling you... no, don't do it, it's a bad idea etc. etc... That was me.
My go-to phrase for the longest time was just that... 'fuck it'. Despite warning signs, red flags and the internal upheaval I felt, my gypsy spirit kicked in and I ignored all of these things for a change of scenery, a chance at starting over somewhere new in the hopes of a new adventure broadening my horizons.
An adventure was what I got but not in a good way. Despite all of my best efforts, I learned some of the hardest lessons of my life. And now looking back I can say all of the warning signs were there. In abundance!
Now, I've always felt misunderstood in my life. No one I've ever known has ever really gotten me. I had come to some point of acceptance that this would be my life. So I did my best to fit in, conform and make myself fit in these boxes others told me I should fit in. All to my detriment I later realized. I've written on here and in poems on other sites where I thought and felt required to try for this 'American Dream'. Have the picture-perfect life, family, career etc. Some people find all of that for themselves and it works out great for them and they can go on to lead an amazingly happy life. For me, this was not the case. No matter what I tried, how I tried to spin my series of unfortunate events that life just was not for me. Looking back, I can see why and I feel a sense of gratitude that these things continuously happened in my life to show me just that. In that life and all of my aspirations to have it, I was so miserable. I hated myself, I hated the world and just about everyone and everything in it.
Like I said, I believe everything happens for a reason. We are given choices and how we respond to situations and circumstances in our lives will determine what and how we experience things.
Fated mirror
Brought you near.
Bad luck for seven years.
Life - is more than what appears.
Time to face my fears
And it's no coincidence I ended up here.
Darkened my days the moment you came
You knew my fears and I saw your pain.
Lessons and shadows bringing only more rain.
Just being myself was a crime and a shame.
Feed me your inhibitions and plight.
Take my will to live and desire to fight.
Permanent cloud cover or perpetual dark knight.
Depleting my existence - distorting all my light.
But I'm alright.
Learned some hard lessons - can't say I'm healed.
New lense upon the world and a new shield.
Layers of my walls have begun to peel.
As my body relearns what it means to feel.
~Ruby L.S.~
©️2023I.S.
Relatable quotes:
Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up in the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
~Haruki Murakami~
Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
~M. Aurelius~
What we call fate does not come into us from the outside, but emerges from us.
~Rainer Maria Rilke~
The issue is not simply one of needing to save the world, but also of needing to solve the problem of the loss of soul throughout the modern world. Part of what has been lost in the reckless rushing of modernity is the sense that each life has an authentic interior that shelters important emotions as well as inherent purpose, and that the dignity of existence includes a necessary instinct to unfold the unique story woven inside each living soul.
~Michael Meade~
There is a destiny which makes us brothers; none goes his way alone. All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own.
~Edwin Markham~
Thank you for taking the time to connect with my work.
⁂In Love
🪶Introverted Sage
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